the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
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Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Social Media and Real life
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it