Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
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I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Getting married soon just need a spouse
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him: