Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
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[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
my dad has had enough
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?