Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
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I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika