Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
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My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
This guy’s not having it 😆
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell