“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
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Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
May have had one breakfast too many
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.