[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
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Murder Hornets: ok boomer
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
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[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
oh you wanna fight?!
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
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Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
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After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
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*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Looking for a date, he must
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-howl at the moon
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-ok I’ve been single for too long
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simba: lot of dead dads out today
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
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FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best