Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
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*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Damn he played himself
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Huge, if true.