me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
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Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel