My Indian name is dances without coordination.
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4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?