Yep, it’s true๐๐ผ๐๐๐
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me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrรถdinger: Nice, nice
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husbandโs day off is not.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Took a good look at my finances.
I wonโt make that mistake again.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
You think youโve got problems? This is what Iโm having for dinner
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said โGary.โ This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isnโt. Except this one.
Iโm a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and Iโve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine โThomas the Trainโ
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
SCHRรDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, soโฆ I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRรDINGER: Yes.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty