I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
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I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners