My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
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YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
This dude got his own movie?
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag