Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
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You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever