ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
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my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?