Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
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People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Otters see a butterfly.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better