🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
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Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
pep talk
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
never forget
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head