I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
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[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.