Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
You Might Also Like
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
who will stop them
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*