My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
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Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Is this you?
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!