pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
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Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
fly smarter, not harder
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.