If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
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Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Hmm, not sure about this change
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?