[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
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DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
#NoRestForTheWicked
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it