Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
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I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Oh yeah that’s it
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film