I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
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I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
I feel this so hard
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.