My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
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Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters