You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
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Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.