Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
You Might Also Like
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Did a trash talking tree write this?
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD