If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
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People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.