(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
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they split up moments later
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!