How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
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Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
bought wrong eggs
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Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
I hope this email finds you in a well
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
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“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:![]()
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered