Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
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If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
A Short Story.
Love is always patient and kind.