I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
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At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Can’t. Being lazy.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
road rage
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
when mom throws a party…
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.