My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
You Might Also Like
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Taco Bell, Exit 22
all bases covered
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.