It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
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Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me