Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
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5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Brb my Sims are getting married
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.