[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
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“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Girl, same.