Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
You Might Also Like
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
life finds a way
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”