Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
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A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.