Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
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in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.