Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
You Might Also Like
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself