Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
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{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Love it! 👍😂
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.