If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
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Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
The Struggle
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?