[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
You Might Also Like
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.