sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
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two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
the noise i just made
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.