If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
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I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Ladies, why y’all do this?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.