Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
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I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Is this you?
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
my mom making me talk to relatives
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.