I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
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I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again