If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
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What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
can’t bark with your mouth full
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Blew my mind.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
knights of the ikea table
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
need him
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆