[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
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Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
I unironically love this joke.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
From Facebook just now…
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga